MY SEX, MY CROSS

I walk around with this weight beneath me.
This weightless weight...
It defines me,
It qualifies me,
It is who I am.
With it comes release, pleasure and then pain.
My sex.

I am a girl and I had not a choice.
This gift was thrust upon me for reasons beyond my horizon.
I have accepted it.
Why won't you?

I'm the helper, the life bearer, the care taker.
I'm not the lesser being.
I do not care to be held a prisoner by a lifeless part of me.
I'm more than just 'female'.
I'm more than 'breasts and buttocks'.
I'm more than your 'saddle'.
I'm a woman... A person with feelings and dreams and the right to choose.
I'm not a rag doll, a trophy, a baby factory or a piece of furniture...
Don't treat me as one.

Let me live.
Let my ambitions thrive.
Let my talents and skills flourish.
Let the fire of hope in me burn.
Let my choices be mine.
Let me live for myself.

Dear Man, I ought to stand beside thee and not beneath.
Dear Culture, stop being biased against me.
Dear Religion, Aren't we all equal before God anymore?
Dear World, my ovaries are not yokes.

We are omnivores and not sin eaters.
We are not food to satiate the hunger between your legs.
We are not punching bags; find your way to the gym.
We are not weaklings because we are tender.
We are not dumb because we ought to submit.
We are not for the night, rag dolls to please yourself
Nor for the day, handbags to adorn yourself.
We are not victims.

I am the lover and the mother,
The wise and the strong,
The warrior and the teacher,
The cure to the insanity called "manhood",
The balm to soothe the madness of the young.
I am 'the woman'.

My sex is not a curse,
Today I cast off that cross.
I'll live above your beliefs.
I'll break loose from your grip.
Gender is itself
And I am myself.
                                                                                                                                                                   

This is for every woman whose sin is being a woman. Its for everyone who has lost anything as a result of gender discrimination. Everyone preaches 'gender equality' but what about the woman who is beaten up everyday, or the housewife with no self worth or even the African woman being ridiculed because she bore only female children.
Despite the growing rate of civilization, some people are still stuck in the world of male chauvinism. If you are a woman, stand for yourself; you have a right to be your own person. Fathers, invest in your girl child; she's just as good as a son. Men, please treat us right, the difference between you and us is the 'Y chromosome'. Ladies, your sex is not a tool to earn pity or evade honest  work.
Appreciate the women in your life.

xoxo,
Nazzy

ChRiStMaS AND fEeLiNgS

Hello beautiful people,
I apologize for bringing my warm wishes late but hey, after the main course comes dessert right? Merry Christmas and a very happy new year in advance.

Honestly, I'd say this is officially the worst Christmas I've had in ages my life. The parents traveled together and are having a fabulous, white Christmas while my siblings and I are juggling the boredom and harmattan. The beauty of life is that 'I can do my kids back'...Yep! *Nigerian English shaa*

Despite the not-so-amazing Christmas, I'm at a point in my life when ingratitude is not an option. So I'd say I'm grateful to God for everything.

Let me also say that right now, I'm overwhelmed with feelings...
I feel grateful for where I am, given where I'm coming from.
I feel hopeful; for tomorrow, for the realization of my dreams, for the testimonies I'll have.
I feel nothing... Yes! Sometimes, I just feel nothing.
I feel loved. When I think about God, my family, my friends and of course you, my readers, I feel loved.
I feel scared; the uncertainty that engulfs tomorrow comes with that.
I feel sure... Sure that it'll all get better in time.
I feel happy. My blog experienced a breakthrough in November and December. I got views from countries I didn't know existed. Thank you for that. :)
I feel disappointed... in myself, for the moments I wasted, steps I didn't take and vital things I took for granted. But then, I have tomorrow to make up for the those.
I feel sorry... Sorry for those who let me go, for 'him' who lacked the courage to fight for me, and for those who in their folly think I'm going nowhere.
I feel angry...that some things haven't changed, that I have exams in January and have to read during the Christmas hols, that I've been angry for some time.
I feel strong.....for those I love, for myself. Its called self-propelling.
I feel its Christmas and that Christ came with newness.So I'm holding unto that and starting afresh. I'll try to do everything better this time. Like kissing, I'll close my eyes, take the risk, savor the outcome and well, hope it won't be sloppy.

This Christmas, I promise you a better blog so be sure to make a return trip. I'll be ready for you.

Lastly, its my dad's birthday and I wish him the very best. I'm thankful for having the best dad in the world.
Love,
Nazzy

TALES OF A LOVELESS LOVER: Episode 2

Hello lovers, I'm sure you've been waiting for the second episode of this series. Its finally here and I hope you love it. Just in case you haven't read the first episode, here's a link to it >>> TALES OF A LOVELESS LOVER 1 

Have a good read!

It had been three hours since my awful plunge into the pool and I was still very cross. This Jimi boy deserved to die. The guy who pulled me out had carried me to my room with the help of my friends. I think he said a few things which I can’t remember; I was too busy cussing Jimi and feeling embarrassed. I asked him to leave the room and stop fussing over me. Amidst all of that, I admitted to myself that the fellow was quite handsome. Whatever! I really need a break from guys. The handsome ones can have their face skins peeled off for all I care. I woke from my post-drama nap rather groggily and I must confess, it’s so hard for anyone including myself to coexist with the groggy me. My friends were apparently not in the mood for my bad attitude so they excused themselves. Am I that bad?

“Do you want to join us to the club tonight?” I jumped right out of my skin. “Boma what is it now? You scared me silly. I didn’t hear you come in. Mtchew” I hissed coldly. “Sorry oo. I didn’t mean to scare you. Calm down. Do you feel better now?” she asked in a concerned manner. I loved this friend of mine; she knew how to be a sweetheart. I had known her since I was in JS3 and it has been amazing. She is like a sister even though she did have her own baggage. But who doesn’t? I had two major problems with her: her taste in men and her ability to be absent when you need her just because she’s gotta be with some random dude or even chick. Well, this was one of her gracious moments. “You never come to the club with us. Its time you did, plus it could help with this prickliness. You could wear that green dress and red shoes. You’d be just fine. It’s not like we are going to sleep with men.  You only live once babe.” She continued without giving me the chance to cut in. After she finished rambling, I waited 5 seconds before giving her my reply. You should have seen the look on her face as she waited for my reply. “Fine, I’ll go with you guys, under one condition. No over the top stuff” I answered while simultaneously giving her my stern look. “Deal” She left the room and I laughed quietly to myself. I was sure she was on her way to convincing Mary as well; that was going to be a serious brawl.

 Looking at my reflection, I loved what I saw. I wore the green dress and red ankle boots as Boma suggested. The dress was short and has Cinderella flare. It had a canoe neck and a drooping back line. I knew I looked sexy but not slutty.  This night felt right for some reason. My girls looked amazing as well. Mary wore pencil cut mono strap with fishnets and some nice pointy pumps. Boma and Sally went for feisty in their bum shorts and boots. This night held something that was mine and I was going to get it.

At the club, we got into the VIP lounge smoothly, thanks to some guy Boma met the last time she left school. The music was deafening but the lights were awesome. As soon as we got in, Boma got snagged by some dude and hit the dance floor. Talk about magnetic forces. I, Sally and Mary hit the bar. Mary got a glass of sparkling grape juice; Sally got a mix of vodka and cranberry while I got a glass of sherry. The two of them said they wanted to sit at a sofa close to the dance floor so I went with them. We got winks and catcalls and sent them flirtatious smiles in return. After a couple of minutes, I was alone on the sofa while everyone was killing it on the dance floor. The D.J was great, I love his selection and just bopped my head and screamed occasionally as I watched Boma do her thing with all the poor dudes scuffling to dance with her. Gosh! My eyes hurt. I rested my back on the back of the sofa and closed my eyes for a bit. I had a smile on my lips when they weren’t just mine anymore. I felt someone’s lips on mine. His lips- it had to be a ‘he’- they were cold but soft. His breath was heavy with vodka and chocolate, I think. The mixture was awesome. I panicked. My first kiss! What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t sure I knew how to kiss so I just stayed still and let whoever the stranger was do his thing. Common sense tugged at me and I was forced to break out with something I hoped was a slap. I meant to slap him but it turned to be just a gentle shove. Whoever it was got the message and pulled away. My eyes were still closed, I needed time to process what just happened and wished that when I opened my eyes, it would have been all imagined. I could still taste Vodka and chocolate… the flavors were still ravaging my senses. When I opened my eyes, I saw a stunningly handsome face hovering some inches above mine. His eyes held something strong and I felt as though he were looking into my soul. His lips were still slightly parted and reminded me of what just happened. Where was the feisty me? I wanted to give him a slap; that’s what the ‘me’ I know would do. But here I was looking at this beautiful man with an electric sensation swirling through me. “I’m so sorry. I really am. I can explain what happened if you will listen” “I know you. I’ve seen you before. It was you, wasn’t it?” I whispered. “Yes, it was. I pulled you out of the pool today. I never really got to talk to you” “Get out of my face” I said gruffly as I recovered. I cleared my throat and sat up when he moved away. He sat beside me and took a sip from the glass he was holding. “Why did you do that? How did you find me? Who are you? Are you stalking me?” panic began to rise in me. “Calm down. Like I said I’m sorry this happened. My name is Ugonna Akadike. I’m not stalking you and this happened… Well, I don’t know why it did because it wasn’t supposed to” he replied rather calmly. I was getting angry at this point. “Oh, so Mr. Ugonna just kisses random women after saving them from drowning hours before and never knows why. If you don’t want me to create a scene, better start telling me what you want from me and what all of this really is.” I hissed. “Okay. I just happened to be at the pool with my friends when you slipped and fell into it. I noticed you couldn’t handle the deep end so I took a dive to help you. Afterwards, I tried to talk to you and introduce myself but you were too embarrassed, I guess and asked to be left alone. You never said ‘thank you’” he paused and smiled. “And now, I was at the other end with the same friends playing truth or dare. I was dared to kiss a random girl. My friends were squabbling about the kind of slap the girl would give me. I cockily argued that she’d enjoy the kiss way too much to slap me. So we made a bet. I was walking towards the girl at the bar to carry out the dare when I saw you sitting here with your eyes closed. I don’t know why but I made a detour and here I am. I apologize for disrespecting you. You can slap me now, so they can win the bet” he said with a shrug. I relaxed and just smiled. He was being truthful and in the spirit of gratitude for what he did for me, I was going to let the whole thing slide. After all, I didn’t kiss him back but I damn well enjoyed the kiss. “Thank you… for saving me at the pool” He smiled as he rose. “You’re welcome.” I suddenly got tired of sitting alone so I joined my friends on the dance floor. I was having fun and I knew that he was probably somewhere watching me do so.

Whoever said being in your final year is easy probably never went to the university.

Right now, I’m trying to juggle my tests with my project. My project supervisor really knew how to increase the pressure. I barely found time to see movies; that’s a sure sign that I really am busy. My Dad called very often and each time he did, he went on about how I had to try my best to remain on the first class. That dude just doesn’t know that sometimes, you just don’t want to talk about school. That’s what you get for having a very smart dad. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. My classes today ended by 6pm and I was as tired as hell. It had been two weeks since our weekend escapade and I could pay a fortune to get that kind of break, but that would be paying for failure. I just needed a nap. I had to wake up by 1.00am to study. I was enjoying the nap when I was hit back into the reality of having annoying roommates. “Who is it now? I don’t know why you guys won’t let people rest. Disturbing someone every time…” I grumbled as I sat up. “Take the phone jor. The call is for you” Boma threw the phone at the bed beside me and left the room. That girl knew just how to get on my nerves. I called her all manner of names in my head as I picked up the phone to see who the ‘important person’ was. This had better be good. “Hello. Who am I speaking with?” I asked in the most hostile tone I could muster. A person didn’t get sweets for waking me from my beauty sleep. “Hi. This is Ugo from Lagos. I’m really sorry for bothering you. I could call right back if its okay by you” “How did you get this number? I really don’t understand how you find me every time and it’s beginning to creep me out” “I would apologize again except I’m not really sorry. I didn’t want to push my luck at the club so I didn’t bother to ask for your digits. I met Boma your friend later on. She came to me saying she saw us kiss. I explained it all to her and told her I wanted to get your number. She said you wouldn’t give it to me and that she couldn’t either. She later agreed to let me have hers if I wanted; that she’d pass the call to you whenever I called. So here’s the call” What was really wrong with this guy; always messing with me? I was supposed to be cross, wasn’t I? Here I was, secretly happy he called. I hadn’t been able to get that day off my mind. He’s face was always in my head. There was a striking resemblance between him and Chris Attoh, the Ghanaian actor. You know that means ‘ultra handsome’ right? “Ugonna, I have to get some rest now. You’ll have to call me back tomorrow or any other time. And I do not appreciate your conniving with my friends to do stuff that concern me, behind my back. Take this down” I paused for a couple of seconds. “08064278888. Call me” I could hear him smile as he said goodnight. I dropped the phone carelessly on the stand by my bed and fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

The next day, I got a text from an unknown number apologizing for disturbing my sleep last night and wishing me a great day. Ugo. I had a busy day as usual so I barely had time to think of people who saved me from drowning or kissed me when I least expected. At 5.45pm, Boma, Mary and I were walking to the chapel for an evening service. “Dora, you are funny. Firstly, you didn’t mention your kiss with Ugonna and now you keep last night’s conversation to yourself. Na wa oo” Boma started. “Boma, are you joking? And who’s Ugo? Dora na wa for you oo. If I did the same thing, you’d probably scream down the heavens” Mary complained. “Boma, it was two nights ago and not last night. Mary I’m sorry. It skipped my mind. I’ll gist you later” I pleaded. They teased me throughout the service and had fun while they were at it. By 11.30pm, I was almost pacing. I practically took a look at my phone every five minutes. At some point, I called myself to order. He was just some random fellow. For all I knew, he could be some wanna-be trying to hustle a chick, to win some bet. I took my mind off him as I ate a bar of French nougat and listened to Miley Cyrus’ wrecking ball. The rest of the week went without a call from Ugonna so I forgot about him

Did I hear you say 'drama'?...

Stay tuned for the next episode!

Please drop your comments; I'd love to hear from you.

P.S: The image at the top of the page was drawn and colored by me.. :)
        The phone number was made up. Its purely coincidental if it actually belongs to someone.

xoxo,
Nazzy

A LETTER TO HIM

          

Hello lovers,

In case you haven't figured, I am one huge awesome bundle of drama. Yes, I can be very dramatic; I'm my mum's daughter. You must also know that I am a 'pro fantasizer'. I can literally sit for hours just planning and dreaming about how fab my life would be a couple of years from now- Career, Marriage, Motherhood, Travels....just name it. For instance, I already have the details of my honeymoon on ground and I don't even have a steady relationship yet. (Did you just shake your head at me?) Of course I know life isn't full of fairytales but I don't let that rob me of my plans, dreams and fantasies. Plus, with the right attitude and God, many of those can come true.

I take marriage very seriously and its one thing I look forward to and hope I do right. I know no man or woman is perfect but understanding and complementing your strengths and weaknesses is what matters. I know I can be over dramatic sometimes, and can eat nougats, pizza and marshmallows from now till next year, and that I have an terribly funny and bizarre bucket list but there has to be someone who'll accept those because he loves me and will even indulge me sometimes.

So on the 30th of October 2012, I came up with this ridiculously heartfelt long letter to 'him'. Note that this is not a rigid checklist. I hope you smile or laugh or say a couple of 'aww's.

Dear him,

        Hope you're great? Its funny I don't even know whether or not I've met you or not. You've probably walked past me some time at the mall or even sat beside me at a movie. Its all good cuz I'll meet you in the end.

        You know how people say that you just won't find a perfect guy and that you make yourselves perfect for each other. That's why I'm writing you this letter. Someone has to take the first step right? Not to sound vain but you know, we both have to put some things in place before sealing the deal. I really want you yo know some things if we are gonna stay together long enough to have a golden jubilee. You should know that I'm trying really hard to be the ideal woman: Christian, decent, a great cook, hot, romantic, fun, smart and well educated....blablabla. Maybe I'm not there yet but I'm trying. Just so you know, 

• I'd love you to be my best friend.....and best friends don't keep secrets from each other.
• I'd love you to be blunt with me; Be able to tell me anything no matter how bizarre, silly or even harsh (I'm not saying you should be screaming at me oo)
• I'd love you to be pretty sensitive to my needs; I love to be cuddled and held and I don't want to ask before I get any 'sugar'.
• I'd love you to be patient; We women have our horrible, tantrum-throwing moments and a patient man should work the magic. You need not shut us up with your fists. A wide grin or compliment or kiss should work. In extreme cases, ignore us and marry your newspaper, we usually advise ourselves at this point. Who wants to compete with 'the newspaper'?
• I'd love you to be spontaneous; Like surprise me with exotic gifts, the very cute thoughtful gifts, quickies in the elevators... (Don't look at me like that now...Its just these hollywood movies messing with my head) and any other things I haven't thought of all through my fantasy series.
• I'd love you to be the eyes through which I can see things differently from how I see them.
• I'd love you to love God as well; pray with me, pray for me, pray on my behalf. In loving you, let my love for God grow.
• Please be romantic; Make me breakfast in bed (not every morning of course. I know you've got work) and be my very best masseuse [better than what any spa has to offer ;) ]. And I love those hugs from behind. They are the cutest gestures ever.
• Be so proud of me that your friends will get back home and go all 'can't you be like Mr -----'s wife?' on their wives.
• I'd love it if you'd have a wonderful scent and fresh breath. I have this refined raw hatred for body odors and bad breath. Remember I have to kiss you very often. Well...I'm not sure we'd get as far as the altar if these areas are no-go areas.
• Oh please, have time for the kids and I. I want them to spend some time with you everyday and we'd probably take turns to tell them bedtime stories. I want us to have time to talk about our day cuz you'll be my personal diary. You should also know that I have two lovely names for our daughters. You should pick out names for the boys. We'll pick out their Nigerian names together.
• Now I beg you, please be faithful! Like I said before, I'm tryna be the 'it' woman so I'd try not to give you any reason to look outside. I dunno how I'd take it so I'd rather it'd not be an option.
• I'd love it if you loved me so much and knew me so well that you could read my lips from 40 metres away, that your heartbeat will be in sync with mine, that we'd have our private jokes and understand our thoughts by just exchanging glances, that you'd be so restless if you knew I wasn't smiling, that you'd look beyond my imperfections and teach me to be the one you'd love, that you'd never look me in the eyes and lie to me, that I'd be the cure to your insanity.
• I'd love it if you were intellectual with a great sense of humor. I have a sound sense of humor and I'm the queen of sarcasm. Besides, I love witty banters and want to be able to hold reasonable convos with you.
• I'd love it if you were daring, and would do really crazy things with me without caring about status or people around and what they have to say about us. Teach me to be a braver woman.
• It'll be a bonus if you're tall cuz I'm not. I'd love it if you can play an instrument or can speak french, or if you can handle Italian cuisine, or can sing beautifully, or can tango gracefully, or can surf or skii. Well, if you can't  do any, we'd probably learn together.
• I'd love it if you'd let me love you and care for you in my own way; Just savor and appreciate my gestures and help me live the happy life I want. Honey, is that too much to ask?

                Finally, since I haven't so much as met you, let me just say "I love you in advance".

                                                                                                                       Yours sincerely,

                                                                                                                       Future Wife.

A DIALOGUE WITH MY DUAL

As I stared into the silver piece of glass, I saw her.
She looked just like me...
Only she was different..........
Different from who I thought I'd see.
Her sclera shone white but her pupils radiated dimly.
Her mouth looked smart but she wouldn't say a word.
She was looking back at me as though I was a rival...
As though I wasn't me.

Amidst our differences,
there was a sense of understanding,
a unity of emotions.
Our eyes told each other our stories.
We both felt the emptiness.
I felt the pain but she seemed to feel nothing.
I felt weak but in those dimly lit eyes of hers, I saw strength.
Her lips were sealed in firm resolve;
She was done crying,
and I was thankful for that.
I didn't need another weeping heart.
I needed the hope that coursed out of her.

No, we weren't on the same page.
She had set herself free, and was going to live again.
I thought I heard her voice in my head entreating me to do the same.
I yearned for her...
To be strong and calm and beautiful...
To be sane.

She smiled at me;
I had gotten the message.
She had made sure of that.
I was going to be her;
The me I saw in the mirror.
A better me.
The stronger me.
Then she turned to leave
And so did I.
...................................................................................................................................................................



*Sometimes, waves of emotions hit us and then we see the clearer picture. I've seen mine and I hope you do too*
READ! SHARE!! COMMENT!!!

xoxo,
Nazzy